“Do you know what ham is made of? B*tts! B*tts are inappropriate. We shouldn’t even say the word b*tt. It’s nasty. They should change it to tushie,” raged Julie Christie ‘15 on finding that the theater department is selling tickets to a public reading of Green Eggs and Ham by the infamous Dr. Seuss.

Christie isn’t the only only one upset, as the community page is in an uproar and demands that the cast use scrambled eggs to remedy the suggestive nature of fried eggs.

“Eggs could be representative of the female reproductive system,” says one parent, who wishes to stay anonymous. “Which we all know is taboo.”

Theater students will not be daunted however, and plan to hold contests for whoever can read the most pages in one breath.

“The prize includes a spatula,” said the event organizer, George Davis ‘16, “along with a frying pan and a small burner oven.”

“I just don’t like what that story is insinuating,” said Christie. “I mean, what’s the real nature of the relationship between Sam I Am and that other guy? WE DON’T KNOW. It could be very inappropriate. It is a children’s book, after all.”

Christie plans to picket the event, and hopes that the Westboro Baptist Church will respond to her letters notifying them of the “atrocity”.