The war on trees


Creative Commons

A tree lies wounded after the first tragic battle. This tree is just one of the many inevitable casualties to come in this upcoming war.

Patrick Grimes, Humor Editor

Wind and trees: rivals for as long as anyone can remember. For millennia, they have waged countless wars, leaving all in the crossfire. The 29th of October marked the first battle in what’s sure to be a hellish war this autumn and winter. The wind is sure to embark on several campaigns to ensure that the trees shall be no more, and, in the wind’s exploits, it’s safe to say that it will enlist its long time ally, water, in all of its various forms.

But, try as we may, it is neither wise, nor possible for us to intervene in the upcoming battles between trees and wind. All we can do is hunker down in our homes and shelters and hope that we don’t become casualties of a futile war.

When asked what he would do to prepare for the upcoming war on trees, Maxwell “Stoic” Porter ‘18 said, “I’m wearing a jacket on occasion.” A jacket is a good manner of protection from wind, although it will seldom do anything to protect from a tree attack. But all in all, there are much worse things one can do to prepare for the upcoming battles.

One of these things is choir teacher Matthew Barbosa’s yearly tradition, “I eat a lot of fats and then sleep for five months.” This strategy, while a fan favorite with bears and squirrels, is not a good idea for humans. Not only will this strategy most likely not be acceptable to the HB administration, hibernating will be more of a hinderance than anything when it comes to defending oneself from being caught in the crossfire of wind and trees. This is due to the fact that when sleeping, one simply cannot avoid the wind or dodge falling trees as easily as if one were awake. It is an interesting strategy, however.

But among the better strategies used by the HB community comes from Audrey Solinas ‘18. “I find my socks, especially the comfy ones,” she said. This is a brilliant tactic, as it can be seen that Solinas has accepted the futility of contributing to the war, and all she wants to do is live her life as she normally does. And that is the best thing that can be done in these trying times: living life as one normally does.

So to everyone out there: keep calm and carry on.