Graduation isn’t really goodbye. Startling evidence has come to light that reveals that seniors of Hollis Brookline High School are not, in fact, being trained to deal with college life and all that comes afterward.

After a highly secretive investigation into very secret things, the CavChron has uncovered the startling truth that after graduation, the unemployed alumni are only good for one thing: becoming substitutes at the very institution which stunted their growth.

“It’s horrible,” says Michael Rogers. “I can’t get work anywhere else. The whole point of graduating high school is so that I don’t have to come back here. But instead, I end up standing in for Mr. Woods. It stinks. I’d rather see Woods than be him for a day.”

Administration has declined to comment.